In a courtroom drama straight out of Silicon Valley’s finest dystopian fiction, the U.S. Department of Justice (DOJ) has finally woken up to the idea that Google might be a little too big. Their solution? Break up Google and Chrome, the internet’s favorite search-and-browser duo, in the hopes that this will restore competition, innovation, and, perhaps, sanity to the digital marketplace.
Google, unsurprisingly, is not thrilled. “This kind of interference,” the company has argued, “will harm innovation and disrupt the economy.” Translation: We’re really good at this monopoly thing, and if you mess with it, everyone loses.
But let’s rewind a bit. How did we even get here? For decades, Google casually gobbled up markets like an unsupervised toddler at a candy buffet. From Search to Ads, to Analytics, to Cloud infrastructure? Sure, why not. It is all you can eat. Meanwhile, regulators looked on approvingly, nodding sagely about “disruption” and “progress.” And now, when Google practically is the internet, the DOJ has woken and decided it’s time to step in. Good job, guys. You really nailed the timing.
And what’s the grand plan? Break Google into pieces, as if separating Chrome from Search will undo two decades of dominance. If history (AT&T) has taught us anything, it’s that breaking up a monopoly often makes it stronger. Split Google into Chrome, Search, Ads, and Cloud, and you don’t get competition—you get a network of mini-Googles that still dominate everything they touch, only now they might charge you extra for the privilege.
Critics are quick to claim this move will “spur competition.” Sure, just like tearing down a dam spurs “innovation” in water flow. Meanwhile, the rest of us are left wondering: What happens when people start accidentally Bing-ing their searches or, worse, clicking around on DuckDuckGo and discovering the dark web while trying to find banana bread recipes?
The real comedy here isn’t Google’s monopoly—it’s that we let it happen. Regulators dragged their feet for 20 years, watching as Google built not just an empire but the actual plumbing of cyberspace. Now, they’re scrambling to fix the problem with a plan that feels more like rebranding the monopoly than breaking it.
As this courtroom drama unfolds, one thing is certain: Whether Google stays intact or becomes a constellation of smaller monopolies, its ability to make you click “Accept All Cookies” will remain untouchable. And no, you’ll still have no idea what those cookies do.
